The Dennis Jones School Of Advanced Golfing Technique

July 5, 2005

GolfLesson

The Comments

Kyle Jones

ROFLcopter

Don Jones

Dennis, I’ve seen your advanced golfing video series at our local Buster’s Video. They have it filed in the COMEDY section. I hope you have some sort of umbrella liability insurance coverage… Brother Jones LLC. (Limited Lieability Concoction)

Nick Jones Everybody

SIGN ME UP!! Your methods are so new and inspiring

Doug Jones

That Pete is a fast learner… looks like he has already mastered the BrotherJones slice’n’dice move. I hope you were wearing your lucky kevlar T-shirt.

Dennis Jones

I have invested years and years developing hockey goonery into a fine science… I am pleased to be able to introduce the golf world to these same theories and principals…

Don Jones

A couple of points: In golf you usually just wear one glove. Where can I buy a pair of those clog golf spikes?

Doug Jones

only one glove?…. who did you learn from, Michael Jackson? Do you moonwalk after you sink a putt?

Dennis Jones

Actually you can make those clog golf spikes yourself… get several big nails and just hammer them thru the insoles of the shoes…

Dennis Jones

One thing I forgot to mention in my teaching video is that absolutely every time you take your shift on the golf course, wear a silly hat… when you wear a silly hat, everyone knows who you are… this helps you to create a “presence” in that first period of the golf game so people will be intimidated and not crosscheck you in the back when you are putting later in the second and third periods of the golf game…

Doug Jones

I always enjoy the third half of a golf game the most.

Doug Jones

but the best part is going into the clubhouse after the game for a round of coffee ice cream…. and then laying in bed awake all night remembering all the bad shots you made…

Dennis Jones

I hate it when you have a shot rolling right into the hole and the other teams goalie jumps right in front of it and kicks your ball into the rough… always makes me wish I had been using a driver instead of a putter…

Doug Jones

Yeah… I now anticipate that move by the other team’s goalie… so I pull out my llama and have it spit at the goalie. If that doesn’t work I slide into him with my spiked clogs.

Dennis Jones

Doug… they have something now called a.. GOLF CART… you don’t still need to still be hauling your clubs around on a Llama…

Doug Jones

Oh… I thought that carts were not allowed in the 3rd half of play… Is roughing the putter still legal? And what about getting fined for excessive dance moves after sinking a field goal putt?

Don Jones

Have you seen the new and improved 2005 version of the Llama Caddy? Holds 2 sets of clubs along with a couple of Bubba Kegs. The ball washer is awesome… place your dirty Titleist on the Llama’s tongue and in it goes for some quick agitation and then PRESTO he spits it right out clean as a whistle (give or take a few teeth marks).

Dennis Jones

man, this page of comments has certainly careened way out into left field…

Don Jones

As well it should. I’ve sat around here so long reading these posts and dreaming of when my ship will come in my salary just got docked.

Dennis Jones

Hyenas laugh because they know what’s coming next.

Don Jones

I think these insightful blog posts will leave their mark on literature sort of like chicken pox.

Dennis Jones

He who laughs last should do so from a safe distance.

Doug Jones

Ha Ha

Dennis Jones

A day without sunshine is like… well… night.

Don Jones

An apple a day costs about 43 cents.

Dennis Jones

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Don Jones

Better to have loved and lost than to never have lost at all.

Dennis Jones

I wish the buck stopped here… cause I could use a few…

Don Jones

A penny saved is not a whole lot to put back so go ahead and spend it.

Dennis Jones

Time’s fun when you’re having flies.

Doug Jones

don’t count your thetans before they hatch

Dennis Jones

I started out with nothing… and I still have most of it…

Doug Jones

nothing ventured… nothing… ventured!

Don Jones

Are we close to a record for posts here?

Don Jones

Beauty is in the stye of the beholder.

Dennis Jones

Shooting yourself in the foot… is actually a lot more fun than it sounds.

Nick Jones Everybody

that which does not kill me probably postpones the inevitable

Nick Jones Everybody

There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty. Miss that though and you’re pretty much doomed.

Nick Jones Everybody

a favorite brotherjones expression… quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots.

Dennis Jones

…yes, Nick… and that reminds me of another Brother Jones favorite…

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

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Hurricane Dennis

July 8, 2005

HurricaneDennis

Yes, it is true that I played four seasons with the Midwest Hurricanes.

And, yes, it is true that we were a bit of a thuggish team… but it was because we were all old guys trying to compete with twenty year olds.

Our team motto was “age and treachery beat youth and talent every time”.

But I see no reason for all the current media attention being focused on me, Hurricane Dennis. If I offended anyone during my playing time with the Hurricanes, I’m sorry. That was a long time ago. Please accept my apologies and move on.

I am begging the media, please drop all this Hurricane Dennis business and move on to something more important…

…like the current bad weather that seems to be headed our way.

The Comments

Don Jones

That is one nice portrait… the essence of a hockey playin’ Hurricane thug.

DJ

Boy howdy. You look…uh…well…hmmm…how to say this nicely…I give up. Are you the reason for the current NHL strike? If so, would you please make things right so the kind-hearted folks in Nashville, Tennessee can enjoy ice hockey again? It’s the sport none of us understand but still enjoy watching. Well, Doug might understand seeing who his brother is.

Doug Jones

The name Midwest Hurricanes sounds like an Oxymoron to me, like… freezer burn… Dodge Ram… Old News… Civil War… pretty ugly…

Dennis Jones

…I don’t know about the Oxy part… but the Moron part describes the Midwest Hurricane Hockey Team pretty well…

Doug Jones

Brilliant Morons

Don Jones

Ray Barone to his brother… “you’re an idiot wrapped in a moron.”

Dennis Jones

…I like your web site, DJ… classy, nice iconic images, and loads quickly on my lightning fast dial up modem connection…

DJ

Thanks guys! It really mean a lot coming from you. Stop by and see us sometime. We nearly always have a pot of coffee on and today one of our designers brought donuts!! Dennis looks as if he could use a donut in this picture (my attempt to point the attention back to the OxycleanMoron Dennis “Tropical Storm” Jones).

Jones Journal Addict

Where is everyone?

Don Jones

You need to grab a shopping cart and head on over to the Dennis Jones Super Store

Roberto

Dude, weren’t you in the movie Tron?

Don Jones

Wonder if Dennis wore this outfit to Romania?

Back From Romania

July 25, 2005

RomanianCoffeeCup

I have been in Romania for the last couple of weeks. About forty other Americans and I went to six different villages to help with church work there. The Romanian people were so gracious to us. They made us feel very welcome. It was good to be with them. I notice that I am still speaking in short sentences. I am still talking as if an interpreter is going to translate for me.

The only real problem I encountered while there was the size of the coffee cups at the hotel we were lodged in. They were very small. At home I drink out of a Starbucks coffee mug that is the size of a small barrel. I knew the first day I was in trouble. There was no way I could consume enough coffee in these tiny tea cups to fight off the inevitable caffeine withdrawal mega headache that was undoubtedly headed my way.

The coffee was in a pump top decanter with a little tap on the front. I considered bending down and putting my mouth under the spicket and draining the coffee straight into my mouth while no one was looking. Fortunately, I restrained myself. While this may be perfectly acceptable at a Jones family gathering it was probably not the impression we want to leave the Romanian people of an American.

(It is difficult to explain to someone living in another country the difference between a normal American and a Brother Jones American with an impending caffeine withdrawal headache).

The good news is I caused NO INTERNATIONAL INCIDENTS THIS TIME

…that I am aware of…

(unlike the unfortunate Morocco situation from a few years ago) but we wont talk about that right now.

I took a lot of pictures while in Romania. You can see a few of my favorites in my Portfolio Section.

The Comments

Doug Jones

maybe you should have used one of those big blue jugs in your photo for a coffee mug. I bet you could have taken one of them away from that kid pretty easy…. welcome back!

Don Jones

Fantastico! Glad to hear you got yourself detoxed off coffee while in Romania. What a novel idea… breaking from the evil clutches of caffiene by utilizing smaller and smaller cups. Brilliant man! I’m sure much good was done in Romania. Did your yard and garden turn a rich, crisp, crunchy sepia tone while you were away?

Dennis Jones

We had the boy from next door water for us while we were gone… the grass totally took over our vegetable garden… It now looks like we just planted a bunch of corn, tomatoes and misc other plants in the middle of our yard…

Don Jones

Our garden looks like that too and we didn’t go anywhere.

Dennis Jones

I think you and I are due for a little Plein Air Weed Pullin’…

Don Jones

Excellent idea shall we stay cool in our weed pullin’ Speedos?

Jennifer Ray (Romania team member)

That sounds like a bad idea. Weed pullin speedos? There would be car accidents as people drove by! Just kidding. Dennis… it was so great to get to know you. I hope we will meet again. Let us know when the bible will be out ok!

Dennis Jones

Hi Jennifer! Good to hear from you! Hope your flight back home was not too bad. If you spend much time on this web site you will see that all the weird, weed pullin’ speedo comments come from my two wacky brothers, NOT ME… I, of course, am the only mature, responsible adult that participates in the festivities here…

…of course, if I actually were a mature, responsible adult I probably wouldn’t be participating on this site at all… so… never mind..

I think that Bible is due out in October… Good meeting you in Romania…

Jennifer Ray

If we were mature adults I think life would be boring. The flight to Atlanta was ok. I had (still do) a cold so my ears got blocked really bad. I’m starting to feel better. I pray your trip was good. Your family is so awesome. It was so neat to get to work with you all. There is so much talent in your family. You need to bottle that and sell it! I look forward to spending time on your web site. I know my husband Chris and Casey have both enjoyed it. Can’t wait for the Bible. Also, we would like to know who has ALL of the pictures from Romania. We want to send some cd’s to get the pictures. I have the one the leaders got, but I know there is more. We didn’t get any of the group pictures. Well, I’m going to bed! Nite

Lawn Wars

July 26, 2005

Lawn-Wars

As if it were not bad enough that the grass took over our vegetable garden while we were away… now the grass is openly mocking me by growing on top of my riding lawnmower.

The Comments

Don Jones

Dennis that is a truely bad omen of some sort. Not sure exactly what it means. It seems for the Brothers Jones the grass is always greener on the top side of the blade housing.

Dennis Jones

It certainly is a humiliating turn of events for me…

Doug Jones

now you need a tiny little mower to mow the grass on top of your big mower…

Don Jones

Ironically, I just had the SEARS man come out and work on my CRAPSMAN mower this morning. He immediately told me I need to keep the grass off the top of the housing ‘cause that’s what caused my blade engagement cable to bust. I’m not even going say how much this little appointment cost me… let’s just say I could’ve bought enough chickens and corn for the family for an ENTIRE YEAR. So Dennis… go the extra mile and clean that deck off… otherwise, you’ll eventually be takin’ it in the monkey shorts.

Doug Jones

One other reason to be neat and tidy… someone around here burnt down their garage. The dead grass on the mower caught fire sitting in the garage after mowing. The lesson here is… always have a bag of marshmallows handy

Don Jones

Neaty & Tidy Douger I bet you check your oil too. You should know by now that Dennis and I live on the non-maintenance side of life.

Dennis Jones

I like to mow tree stumps with my riding mower… if the mower cant take it… too bad for it…

Don Jones

I prefer mulching rock. Still hurting from replacing that window in the studio. $$$$

Dennis Jones

…if it’s on the ground, I’m mulching it…

Dennis Jones

BROTHER JONES ALERT!

BROTHER JONES ALERT!

Karen sent me to the grocery store at noon to get a roast for her to cook tonight and I noticed they have clementines now… this is possibly the best little fruit ever devised… if you havent had any this year, sprint to the store and get a little crate of them!

Doug Jones

one other item to keep your eye out for… PLUOTs. It is a cross between a plum and an apricot. They are my favorite. They have a splotchy looking smooth skin. In Publix they call them Dinosaur Eggs. I just ate one… mmmmmm….

Dennis Jones

oh yeh… well… I’m going downstairs right now and having another clementine…

Don Jones

Oh my darlin’ OH MY DARLIN’

Dennis Jones

…my box is actually called darlin’ clementines…

The Value Of Time

July 29, 2005

NativeTakeTwo

Sometimes you just have to stop, step away from the art disaster you are in the process of creating, forget about it, give it a little time, and then come back and try it again later.

This is an Indian from my sketch book that I really liked, so I painted it… but I just could not make it work. My first painted picture does not even look like an Indian. Nick called him Elvis. Sometimes paintings fall together for you, sometimes they dont. This one didn’t.

I had a little time late this afternoon and was flipping thru my watercolor sketch book when I came across this picture. I started to tear it out of the book because it is so embarrassing, but then thought, “I wonder if I can salvage this”. I scrubbed a bunch of it off, and worked some brighter colors into the background. I also widened the bridge of the nose and fixed a couple of other facial features.

When you are in the process of painting a disaster and have blown hours and hours into it, you are very hesitant to scrub away all those hours of work. But when you come back to it months later you dont remember all the time spent and can have more of a “go for it” attitude.

If you have the luxury of time, put away the problem painting and try it again later… much later.

The Comments

Don Jones

This is like an artistic make-over show Hey bus driver MOVE THAT GOUCHE!!!

Doug Jones

Good one, Don… LOL

Doug Jones

I think someone made this Indian laugh just seconds ago, and his milk ran out of his mouth…

Don Jones

Personally, I really liked the previous spiked hari doo. The new and improved higher contrast of feathers and background sings

Dennis Jones

Zowie… I am wiped out… I just got back from a Mtn. Grove road trip… 10 hours down on Sunday afternoon… 10 hours back on Tuesday… plus I developed some sort of ear/tooth infection deal that kept me awake and in pain ALL of Sunday night… I got no sleep at all… I went to a dentist that next morning and got an antibiotic and a pain killer… so I was pretty much in a fog the entire time I was there… also on the trip back home… and at the writing of this email… I better go on to bed…

kelly (one of Gary’s)

I viewed the sketch book a few days ago – really enjoyed george washington. What do you think of Abe Lincoln as a subject??

Dennis Jones

Lincoln was a bit of an odd looking character… so he is always a lot of fun to do… maybe I will take another crack at him… I will post it if I do… thanks for the note…