CAUTION: LOST SPOILER

October 4, 2005

LOSTonTheBeach

WARNING: This is a LOST TV SHOW SPOILER… DO NOT LOOK AT THIS PICTURE unless you want to spoil this weeks surprising show twist.

After exaustive internet digging, the crack staff in the Brother Jones Research And Development Department have discovered this screen cap for Wednesdays LOST television show. It seems the Castaway Amish Dairy Cow Theory that we broke exclusively here last week is indeed the direction the show is headed in.

Always depend on Brother Jones Dot Com for late breaking, reliable pop culture news.

The Comments

Doug Jones

did one of the cows eat Walt?

Don Jones

They are looking for one of Sawyer’s contact lenses. Ironic how the cows and the Amish guys have similar black and white outfits…. wait a minute! Sawyer is wanting the cow to play leap-frog. This is one crazy drama. Dennis, this is going to blow the lid off this show. Keep up the fantastic work.

Dennis Jones

I will continue to do my best to run down every plausible theory I can as a public service to the Brother Jones viewing public which is depending on this web site to bring them reliable, and up to date information on the latest in breaking LOST news items…

Nick Jones Everybody

is that a dharma logo I see on that cow?

Doug Jones

goodgollybum! I think Nick has nailed it. The secret organization is run by the cows. The last time we saw Walt he was dripping wet. I think he went to the Amish water carnival and lost the ballon toss.

Dennis Jones

…whats a dharma logo?

Don Jones

The OTHER secret organization is indeed an Amish hourly plus materials operation which rides to and from bamboo barn raisin’ beach work on coordinating black and white colored cows. Walt is their designated front man who runs a water park carnival and sells dairy products on the side. It’s all coming together… my head is spinning.

<{

So was it the fast and furious work on the barn raising that caused the smoke?

Nick Jones Everybody

man you need to start pounding the Lost message boards. At our office we have designated 3:30 to 4 as Lost discussion time everyday. Dharma is the company that Desmond works for. The Dharma logo was on the tail of that shark that almost ate Sawyer… where have you been? I’m just glad that this super secret group still jams out to Cass Elliot.

Dennis Jones

hmmm… interesting… I guess I have not been paying close enough attention to the show… too busy formulating theories I suppose… you DO know what Dharma says spelled backwards dont you?… Amrahd… think about it!… pretty spooky…

Don Jones

HEy… that was in an old Atlanta Rhythm Section cover tune… “Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little Amrahd like you.”

Dennis Jones

…thats what I’m talkin’ about…

Doug Jones

I cut out that Dharma logo and played it on my turntable backwards and it said… “Paul is dead” Who is Paul? one of the Amish guys?

Dennis Jones

…hmmm… Yoder and Graber are the Amish guys… I dont know who Paul is…

Paul

nah, nah, nah, nah… nah na nah NAH… nah na nah NAH… Hey, Jin…

Pete Jones

i wish i knew what lost was about so i could participate in this conversation, sorry pops…

Dennis Jones

Pete… it is to your credit that you cannot participate in this conversation… you actually have… A REAL LIFE… we are all probably just a little bit dumber just having been exposed to the content on this page…

Wanker stopper

hey guys dont spoil it u wankers

Advertisements

Weird Gourd Wednesday

October 6, 2005

WeirdGourdWed

Hey everybody, its WEIRD GOURD WEDNESDAY! The custom gourds are back and weirder than ever!

…(and yes, I know its actually Thursday, but Weird Gourd Thursday doesn’t have the same pizzazz to it that Weird Gourd Wednesday has… and anyway, its just the internet… I can say anything I want… it doesn’t have to be true).

…with that in mind… I am also proud to announce…

…that I will be the starting running back for the Indianapolis Colts this weekend as they take on the mighty San Francisco 49ers!

The Comments

<{

Could this be used as a rain collector? Then all you would need to add is a dipper gourd. Or perhaps this was created with a spittoon in mind, in that case a dipper would be gross.

Doug Jones

does this gourd wear dog tags?

Dennis Jones

yes, Doug… yes it does… that is my dogs old rabies tag hanging off the stem…

Don Jones

Moo had rabies?

A 2005 Teachers Apple

October 7, 2005

2005Apple

I have done a lot of pictures over the years of teachers sitting behind their school desks. I usually put an apple on the desk somewhere. That is the age old stereotype; the student brings an apple to the teacher. My mom taught elementary school for over thirty years and during that time I am sure she received several apples as gifts from her students…

…but that was a lot of years ago…

…what do students bring their teachers now as gifts of appreciation?

My teacher wife, Karen, came home last weekend from her class with a big bag of Verona blend, whole bean coffee. One of her students who works at Starbucks brought the bag in as a gift.

Now that’s what I call one really great 2005 teachers apple!

The Comments

casey chief

Wow, your wife must be a really special teacher!!! What does she teach?

Doug Jones

…now if they would just throw in a bear claw…

Dennis Jones

Karen teaches Youth Ministry… and a bear claw WOULD be nice…

Don Jones

Speaking of Bear Claws… I cashed in my complimentary birthday meal coupon at work today for a DOZEN BIG HONKIN’ CINNAMON ROLLS. These things are about 10 inches wide. I envision the sin of gluttony on the horizon…

Dennis Jones

…dont let thee parson find outest thou, brother Don…

Mutant Sock Monkeys

October 11, 2005

MutantSockMonkey

I cannot stay awake for an entire Monday Night Football game. If I plop down in front of a TV late at night I can only last an hour… maybe two before I fall fast asleep. Last nights game was a good one, so I made plans to stay awake for the whole thing.

Before the game started I drove to Walmart and (being secure in my manhood) bought a needle, thread and some buttons. I got a few odd looks from the ladies shopping in the sewing section with me, but I can handle it.

I drove back home, turned on the game, and built this mutant sock monkey while it was on.

I now plan to build an entire army of Monday Night Football Mutant Sock Monkeys. One day, my Monday Night Football Mutant Sock Monkeys and I will RULE THE WORLD Ha Ha Ha Ha…

ha ha… … … … ha… …

eh… … ahem…

…the good news is this did indeed keep me awake for the entire game. I even saw Ben Roethlisberger take the wicked hit to his leg at the end… hope he’s ok… seems to be a pretty good guy…

The Comments

Don Jones

That monkey is juiced! I’m guessing you didn’t follow any Sock Monkey blueprints. Maybe there is a market for VooDoo SocMonkeys. Stick a few pins in this and see if anyone complains.

Dennis Jones

..this is one strong monkey… look at those arms… I wanted to put a hat on him like Socmo… but his head doesn’t seem to want to cooperate…

Don Jones

Has Karen missed her sock yet?

Dennis Jones

I’m not that stupid… that’s one of my old socks… I’m not really wearing green argyles a lot these days…

Don Jones

It appears this sock monkey has nice dental work.

Dennis Jones

…and a somewhat pleasant personality… well… for a mutant sock monkey anyway…

Don Jones

I’m thinking you could name these sock monkeys based on someone from the MNF game like the Madden trailer. Invert his left knee and this could be Big Ben.

Doug Jones

SocMo is in L-O-V-E! He is requesting a phone number for this beauty.

Dennis Jones

867-5309… Tommy Tutone

Andy Smith

Hey How many socks does it take to make a sweet Mutant Sock Monkey?

Dennis Jones

…hmmm… I’m not sure if this is one of those “how many Jones’s does it take to screw in a light bulb” kind of questions or an honest to goodness question question… so I will gamble on it being the latter and say two…

Denis Kabistan

It’s a Jones conspiracy !

Don Jones

I just got back from the all new Liger Shoppe. Man, my head is spinning. So much Liger merchandise to choose from. I think I left my shopping cart on aisle seven…

Dennis Jones

…Don, there is a fine looking yellow man-bag that I think you would look really nice in at the Liger Shop…

Don Jones

You can’t fool me… man bag… yea right. That is your basic female canvas beach book tote. I will wait until it goes on sale.

Tami

Mutant sock monkeys…be very afraid. Do you guys mind if I post a link to your web site on mine…since I already did it? Just wanted to share the joy (and the Liger Shop)!

Dennis Jones

Hi Tami… Nice of you to drop by Brother Jones again… sure, link us up… and post a comment once in a while like you did in the old days so we can raise the level of discourse around this place…

Doug Jones

Tami… I was just checking our records and I think your semi-annual BrotherJones fees are due. pay up.

Don Jones

I checked out Tami’s site and she out-classes us by a mile. She’s got good grammer and spelling and everthing going on. Instead of listing us on the LINKS page… she might want to create a more appropriate DETOUR page to our web uRL.

Doug Jones

URL place, or mine? a little web humor there….

Skeeter Joins The Team

October 14, 2005

Skeeter

Skeeter Jones joined the Mutant Sock Monkey Covert Operations Unit late last night. Skeeter is a huge St. Louis Cardinals fan and was quite unhappy with the outcome of last evenings playoff game (as you can see from the picture).

The Comments

Doug Jones

I like that cool vest with matching sox… I would think Skeeter would be a big fan of the Blue Sox. I like their cheer…. “argyles will sock ‘em”

Don Jones

I think Skeeter would make a great fundraising mascot for some down and out group… Hey. a down and out group… like us brothers! Skeeter Jones we’re down and we’re blue. Must have been born tired I guess.

Doug Jones

We watched the Wallace and Gromit movie this weekend… really fun! You need to see this on the big screen. I think Skeeter must be from the movie… there were rabbits everywhere, and the lady had these LIPS. Skeeter has the SAME lips… hmmm…..

Survivor: Guatemala

October 18, 2005

EarthMonster

This seasons Survivor television show is being played out in the jungles of Guatemala amidst ancient Mayan ruins. In episode three there was a basketball type challenge. The reason they did this is because the Mayans used to play “Pok-Ta-Pok”… a brutal form of modern day basketball.

This reminded me of a job I did in the early nineties for my buddy Joe Bohrer.

The project was for a new line of tennis shoes from LA Gear. Joe came up with this great marketing idea about an awesome ancient Mayan basketball team called EarthMonsters. This is the comic book we did to promote the new product.

By the way… Joe was just on HGTV building one of his utopia chairs. You can take a look at it on the HGTV website.

The Comments

Don Jones

That is some good stuff. Seems like the last time I saw some EarthMonster stuff was on a clearance rack in a Branson outlet store. Seems like it was headbands. WIsh I had bought some of that merchandise…

Doug Jones

It looks like those ancient Mayans were also into steroids. Hey, Don if you are back in Branson pick me up an EarthMonster buff… OK?

Dennis Jones

…yes Doug, I believe you are right about the steroids… in fact, I think this guys name is Uncle Roid…

Doug Jones

ah… that’s nice to know… at least American athletes didn’t start the trend… they were just copying the ancient Mayan jocks

Dennis Jones

… I just got back from the dentist and boy did I HIT THE JACKPOT!!… a cracked back molar, an abscessed root… and yes, thats right… I won a brand spankin’ new ROOT CANAL!! …this is indeed my lucky day… I can hardly wait for the festivities to begin……

Doug Jones

but when they are through, they will give you a new toothbrush… makes it all worthwhile!

Dennis Jones

…I know… it’s a win/win situation!

Don Jones

That’s great Den. Once you get that extreme mouth makeover you’ll be set for the holidays. Ask for extra pain killers. Do you remember our first tag-team visit to the dentist and between us we had about 47 cavities? The rotting wonder of sugar is amazing stuff. Hey Hoss… don’t floss! (I just made that little slogan up there for the Brother Jones visitors.)

Dennis Jones

…Don I think you should open up another one of our Brother Jones web stores dedicated exclusively to that inspirational and motivational floss slogan you just came up with…

Go Weasels!

October 20, 2005

WeaselSketch

One of the biggest games of the year takes place in cyberspace this weekend.

My beloved Sheboygan Wild Weasels (2 and 3) take on their arch rivals, (little brother Don’s) Sedro Wooley Phlegm (3 and 2) in what is destined to be a game for the ages. It’s big… it’s a grudge match… and it’s for all the marbles… whatever all that means.

Due to the Weasels slow start this season, disgusted fans have been lobbying for the team to change it’s name from the Weasels to the Possums since they always seem to play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Team owner Dennis Jones states with resolve and conviction that the team will absolutely NOT change it’s name to the Possums… probably…

The Comments

Don Jones

The Brothers Jones indecisive? Well, yes and no. The Phlegm will be fielding the one-legged Michael Vick this weekend seeing as how our back-up and past 2-week loser QB Brian Griese has taken his ACL into the shop for a makeover. Weasel Possoms are going down…

Dennis Jones

…the Weasels quarterbacking duties are up in the air, too… not sure if Dante Culpepper and the Vikings have returned from their Love Boat excursion yet or not… might have to start the Burger King at QB this week…

Don Jones

If you field the Burger King we aren’t showing. That is one creepy mascot.

Dennis Jones

…he’s no mascot… he’s a playmaker! …just watch his commercials…

Don Jones

He appears to have a real consistent self-serving non-team attitude with a botox’d face to match. Overdosed on Whoppers no doubt…

Dennis Jones

…maybe youre right… ok, were not starting the Burger King at QB this week… were starting the Pepsi machine instead… the Pepsi machines got good hands…

Don Jones

He’s not quite as heavy as the Pepsi machine but I hear the Subway’s Jared’s got game.

Dennis Jones

…yes, but he wears glasses… I need perfect vision from my starting quarterback…

Don Jones

Get old Jared one of them tinted face guards… that way my team won’t have to look at his face… plus, I’ve heard his breath is a killer. His breath gets him an additional 10 yards on every run.

Dennis Jones

ok… enough of this nonsense… ARE YOU READY TO MAKE THIS GAME INTERESTING?… HUH?… WELL… ARE YA?… THATS RIGHT… I’M YELLING…

I am so confidant that I am going to win this weekend that, if I should lose, I will let you pick ANY player from my team and trade for him with a scrub sitting on your bench…

and if I win… I get to trade for any one of your players for a scrub from my bench…

Whataya think about that, PhlegmBoy?

Don Jones

OH YEA!! I’ll take that little wager even though it means I will be DOWNGRADin’ by selecting from your scrub Weasel buffet. I believe my 20+ preview edge should hold up… Colts against the Texans… that’s should be about 40 points by itself. CHIEFS TONIGHT!… no t.v. coverage though.

Dennis Jones

Ha Ha… Don you have foolishly fallen into my evil trap… there is not a player on my team that is better than one of the scrubs sitting on your bench… so win or lose, if I can trade one of my loser guys for one of yours, I will have upgraded my team… HOO HOO! GO WEASELS! WIN! LOSE! WHO CARES! I WIN!

Don Jones

I’d like to up the ante with a dozen Krispy Kremes.

Dennis Jones

ok yer on… if I win I will go out and buy myself a dozen glazed… if you win you go out and buy yourself a dozen glazed…

Don Jones

That is such a deal. Cause you know… buy a dozen get a dozen FREE. Is it true that one donut has the equivalent of a pound of bacon grease? I sure hope so.

Don Jones

The Chief’s kicker Sir Lawrence KILLED US! Who ever heard of a kicker scoring 17 or so points? Who? Tines was on fire kicking a couple 50+ yard field goals in the Friday night Miami win. The radio reception was one step above poor but nevertheless… it was a NFL football game.

Dennis Jones

…well Don… sorry to do that to you, but I went ahead and unsheathed my top secret weapon on you which I said I had earlier over on your journal page.

Hey, there might still be some hope for you tonight… perhaps Michael Vick will score you 33 points in the Monday Night Football Game… but I wouldn’t hold my breath…

…in the mean time I will go ahead and start shopping the Phlegm roster for my new player…

Banshee

A few quick comments: 1) Chiefs fans around here were robed by the fact that they couldn’t watch the game, but I could vent for them for a few pages on that, so we’ll cut it here. 2) I thought the biggest game on the Weasels schedule was the one against the “Whoops, we managed to play a few guys on a BYE” Banshees that takes place next week… Banshee -FOWA: week of 4-10-05- Sometimes I forget what I am doing. When I come back to consciousness I find a couple of my players are on the Bye Week.

Banshee

Or “robbed”… either way, I guess…

Dennis Jones

Banshee, I believe fielding players which arent actually even playing that week is a true sign of confidence… and very intimidating to the opposing team you are playing… I DONT NEED ALL MY PLAYERS TO BEAT YOUR CRUMMY TEAM… you know, that sort of thing… I would strongly suggest you do the same thing next week against whoever your next opponent might be…

Don Jones

PHLEGM UPDATE I am enjoying my dozen KK donuts for this weeks unpredictable loss to those wicked conniving Weasels. I can’t seem to get the Lawrence Tines bitter loss after taste outta my mouth…

Mutant Gourds

October 25, 2005

MutantGourds

Every year we end up with mutant gourds. The top picture shows two strawberry gourds from last season. The first one is a normal five inch gourd and the second is a fifteen inch abnormality.

The other picture shows this seasons mutant. It is a basket gourd. They are supposed to be big, but this one is a monster. I put a baseball on top to give it some scale. I am guessing it probably weighs a couple of hundred pounds. I am guessing that because it is still green, mainly all water, and is so heavy that I cannot lift it off the ground.

Some people put bird baths in their yards to decorate with… but since this thing is too heavy to move, I guess it is going to have to be our new lawn ornament.

The Comments

Don Jones

woah… don’t hit that with your mower. I think this has the makings of a great Christmas present… I am preparing the slips of paper for the Christmas name exchange… Do you guys want any particular name? I’m presently taking special requests.

Dennis Jones

I would like to get Dennis’s name this year… and I want to get him something REALLY nice, Clark…

Don Jones

You got it… I suggest hitting the LIGER shoppe. They run specials every Friday: LIGER FRIDAY.

Doug Jones

If you cut the top off that big gourd and put a handle on it… it would make a coffee mug almost big enough for you in the mornings.

Dennis Jones

…and wouldn’t the coffee be just spectacular with that little hint of gourd taste in it… mmmm….

Doug Jones

Hazelnut flavor with gourd roughage… for that get up and go feeling in the morning! Hey, looks like the COLTS and the PREDATORS are both undefeated this year. Maybe they should play each other. I can see Peyton completing a slapshot into the end zone and getting an icing the football penalty.

Don Jones

They don’t hold a candle to your undefeated SCREAMIN’ SOCMONKEYS Doug. Wonder when Dennis is going to come calling on that Phlegm-Weasel side wager?

Doug Jones

The screamers took a hit this weekend… alas

Dennis Jones

Hey, Don… your crummy players cant even beat my loser, bottom feeding team of weasels… why would I want any of them? You can keep ‘em… I mean… I already have a team full of great players like Ricky Williams who has a combined 2 week rushing total of minus 3 yards… why would I want any of your losers like Priest Holmes and Shawn Alexander… I’m starting Ruben Droughns this weekend at running back and teaching those Boston Banshhees a lesson…

Betsy

The Brother Jones are working on drawing names for Christmas? The Sister Jones will be so excited!

Dennis Jones

…were working on WHAT?… I must not have received the inner office memo this morning…

Dennis Jones

Here are my suggestions for Christmas 2005 in Mtn Grove…

After everyone arrives we start immediately with the annual “Airing Of Grievances”… during this time we share with family and friends all the ways they have disappointed us over the past year…

We follow the “Airing Of Grievances” with the popular “Feats Of Strength” where the head of each household tests his/her strength with another family member.

Then we can open our gifts which have been carefully placed under the holiday aluminum pole…

(I am aware this may need some tweaking, but we have to start somewhere)…

Don Jones

Dennis, I like your thinking here. Get the negativity out of the way so we can proceed to the true meaning of the holidays… eating. Will you be bringing anything good to eat this year? I’m sure the sugar cookies will be in abundance along with a wide assortment of fudge and pie. I’m digging out my James Taylor Christmas today…

Betsy

Yes! A Festivus for the rest of us!!!

Don Jones

B.Y.O.A Bring Your Own Anesthetist

Betsy

I’ll see if I can round one up somewhere. We’ll definitely need one for all the back pain people will have after the feats of strength!

Dennis Jones

Betsy… a donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund.

Don Jones

Betsy I paid $89.95 and had a star named and registered for you. The Ellett. It’s in the fourth galaxy just a little left of the North Star. On a clear night you still can’t see it. Enjoy.

Dennis Jones

…hey, thats not a bad gift idea, Don… maybe I’ll get a couple of those for my boys this Christmas…

Betsy

Woohoo! Money for People and a star I can’t see. I’m just raking it in today!

Don Jones

I can already see these in the western sky The Nickstar and Pete’s Precious Guiding Light.

Doug Jones

I’m bringing a great big bag of Cheetos with me and I will be trading it for some hits of Nitrous Oxide.

Don Jones

Great idear there Doug. Cheetos will get you a big hit of something… plus some orange fingers. Maybe we can all get knocked-out and do a Brother Jones podcast. I doubt if our audience could tell any difference.

Doug Jones

podcast…. PODCAST! That’s what Dennis should do with that mega-gourd. Have a gourdcast. See how far you can lob it on live podcasting internet radio! Grab that laptop and hit the road to Huntington, Don. …. and listen to the Monkeys on the way…

Don Jones

Don’t tempt me. If I didn’t have my monthly haircut scheduled… I’d be gone. Plus, I have to pick Lola up from the Vet today.

Betsy

I’m thinking that donations to the Human Fund and the naming of stars would be great prizes for the annual Dube Bridge game.

Porkopolis

October 31, 2005

Porkopolis

Karen and I spent the weekend in Cincinnati, or Porkopolis as we discovered it was nicknamed. We saw pictures, sculptures and t-shirts of flying pigs everywhere. They were even on top of the smokestacks downtown. It made us very curious as to what this was all about.

During dinner I asked our waitress (a lifelong Cincinnati resident) what the deal with the flying pigs was about. She said “I think it has something to do with pigs”. I said, “Oh… how interesting”…

It all reminded me of a wonderful song by Trout Fishing In America called Prom Night In Pig Town. If you have not heard it you might want to check it out.

The Comments

Don Jones

With personal experience as a waiter I know for a fact that your waitress was a rank novice. She broke unwritten rule #12 …If you don’t know the answer… make up stuff and bluff your way through. For example, back when I was waiting tables at Wicker Works restaurant I was asked how long the teriyaki steak was marinated I promptly answered “at least two or three minutes” The customer erupted in laughter and I still got a handsome tip. Little did he know that I was clueless to the meaning of “marinate.” (The correct answer was at least 12 hours.)

Doug Jones

I also like when you told people the seafood was flown in fresh daily. HA! Hey… this is a Great Pig! So why were you in Cincinnati? Business or Pleasure? Should have stopped in and said hi to Jim Borgman

Dennis Jones

…we went to Cincinnati because it was Karen’s birthday and I wanted to take her someplace she had never been to before… Karen has literally been all over the world, but she had never been to Porkopolis…

Don Jones

Where were you two “porkin’” out? Do you remember Mountain Grove’s Hickory Pig drive-in? Didn’t Mary work there or something?

Dennis Jones

…we ate at several different places including The CheeseCake Factory, Don Pablo’s and a place called the Blue Gibbon…

Doug Jones

I went to the web site and hit the Launch Trout Radio words and I am now listening to a bunch of their music… whole songs not just clips… “After You’re Gone” was the first one I heard and it is great! And then… who doesn’t like “My Hair had a Party Last Night?”

Don Jones

Trout Radio… YES! These guys have been in Springfield quite a few times… I need to get out more and catch a show.

Dennis Jones

…way back when I still lived in Texas I wandered into a Borders Bookstore one night and heard live music emanating from the back of the store. I headed toward the sound of the music and found these two guys doing a live set in front of maybe ten people… (at that time I think they were touring anywhere and everywhere)… I believe they became fairly popular soon after that… they have a real nice folk/rock kinda mix…

Dan Lietha

Next time you’re in the Porkopolis area, pop on down to the Answers in Genesis offices and museum in Northern Kentucky. I’d love to give you a tour. We’re still under construction, but it’s still worth the visit!

Dennis Jones

…interesting, Dan… seems the pigs are like brother Doug’s big guitars in Nashville… the cows in Chicago… and the bears in Berlin… I thought it was all very cool… we really enjoyed our weekend in Cinci and plan to go back sometime… I will have to give you a call when we do…