Behind The Scene At Bro-Jones

April 1, 2007

BobbleHeadPoster

…NEW 2007 Brother Jones Motivational Poster…

People seem to think it’s all fun and games here at Brother Jones, but that’s just for public consumption. Behind the scenes, Brother Jones is a typical, dog eat dog, pressure cooker big business. To demonstrate just how cut throat it is around here, I am releasing excerpts from a recent, top-secret email conversation we had just last week. I hope the rough language and general harsh tone of this email is not too shocking to any of our readers. If so, I do apologize.

(this email has been slightly edited to keep us out of trouble… and to make me look better)

Emailer to Brother Don…
I am interested in featuring you and your brothers in the next issue of our alumni publication which I’m sure you receive. Your story will run as a Spotlight which appears in the Class Notes section. If you could get back in touch with me in the next couple days and let me know if y’all are interested, that’d be great.

Don…
That sounds good to me… but I need to float it by the other two Jones brothers.

Emailer…
I’m glad to hear you’re interested and I hope the other brothers are too! Because you all live in different states, one brother will need to be the spokesman for the group. I will conduct the main interview with that brother. We will also need a color photograph of the three of you, preferably one in which you’re all together.

Don to Doug & Dennis…
Looks like the alumni magazine is desperate for material. Let me know how to proceed…

Dennis…
Hoo HOO …FREE PRESS!!! …I have never received an alumni magazine in my life… could you please negotiate one for me…

Don…
I take it from your response that we should proceed. I just don’t want to look stupid. I had so many close friends and associates in college. I would hate to spoil their impression of me as a smart, intelligent, talented successful sort…

Doug…
You are the official spokesman, Don. Good luck on the photo…
DON’T use that crappy one of us grilling at Jonesapalooza…

Dennis…
I agree …don’t use that one… use the one where our heads are on the bobble head dolls… much classier…

Doug…
And don’t forget to tell them how I created GOOGLE but you stole it from me and sold it for a box of Krispy Krack (Kremes)…

Dennis…
Don’t forget to mention my failed presidential bid back in ‘76…

Doug…
I heard someone on TV a while back refer to Krispy Kremes as Krispy Krack… made me laugh…

Dennis…
Dont forget to add Socmo in his mexican hat!

Doug…
Actually, I like the bobble head doll idea. It’d be cool if it was sitting on president Bush’s desk…

Don…
O.K. You knuckleheads… I just e-mailed the powers that be… so they should be coming back to us with questions…

For the sake of brevity, this email was trimmed down considerably for publication. The full version went back and forth for quite some time and much of our valuable work day was squandered in producing it… needless to say, we were all pretty proud of that. In conclusion, behind the scenes, Brother Jones is just your typical vicious, dog eat dog, big business corporate interest. I’m sorry to have to be the one to expose this to the public, but I felt our stockholders needed to know the truth.

The Comments

Dan Lietha

The caption says, “another failed attempt at humor” but I laughed out loud upon seeing todays entry. You Jones Brothers are a HOOT!

Dennis Jones

…here at Brother Jones we believe it’s much easier to work as a team when no one has any idea where they’re going…

Keegan Jones

LOL – So funny.

Dennis Jones

…our motto here at Brother Jones is… if you can’t learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly…

Don Jones

brotherjones.com … “Stupidity goes in before the website bugs out.”

Dennis Jones

…Brother Jones… “When you earnestly believe you can compensate for a lack of skill by doubling your efforts, there’s no end to what you can’t do.”

Don Jones

Brother Jones Over stated and under thought.

Dennis Jones

…here at Brother Jones we believe in mediocrity… it takes a lot less time and most people won’t notice the difference until it’s too late…

Don Jones

Brother Jones… we don’t try harder… in fact, we don’t even wanna give a good effort.

Dennis Jones

…at BrotherJones.Com much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress…

Dan Lietha

Brother Jones could come out with a line of products like this company has: despair.com Scroll down and click on these posters. Very FUNNY! 🙂

Dennis Jones

…there’s a place on that site to generate your own motivational poster… so I did one (above) for us!

Don Jones

I love these demotivational sayings. It speaks to my inner being … my guts.

Dennis Jones

…I make a motion we buy a bunch of the de-motivational posters and hang them in the Brother Jones reception lobby…

Doug Jones

Sheesh! I went to the dentist this morning to have my teeth sharpened and rotated… and miss all the excitement of a new post! I see that I will have to watch what I say in my PRIVATE emails from now on… since they really aren’t PRIVATE anymore…

Dennis Jones

…well Doug, as you can see, Don and I have been furiously working on a new Brother Jones mission statement and or motto…

Don Jones

Aye! And I also second that motion. For richer, for poorer.

Dennis Jones

…as long as we are all in the board room together, I just wanted you two to know… I sent out a strongly worded office memo saying that we had better not see any more private emails being published on the internet, OR ELSE…

Bob

or else what?

Dennis Jones

…I’m thinking a good old fashioned Philippine caning would do the trick…

Doug Jones

sugar cane… I LOVE that brown sugar cane sugar in my coffee…

Dennis Jones

…that’s what I’m talking about… a good old fashioned brown sugar caning…

Doug Jones

Don must be golfing today… we can talk about him all we want…

Dennis Jones

…so is Don the one that tp’d your tree picture?..it wasn’t me… that’s pretty funny…

Doug Jones

an excellent job! … he’s wasting his skills out on that golf course.

Dennis Jones

…now I’m wondering something… on one of my recent posts someone mystery posted a palette with a happy face on it… I assumed it was you, Doug… was it? …or was that Don?

Doug Jones

guilty…

Don Jones

I’mmmmm baaaaaccckkkk. First off, turbinado sugar is the BEST!! Second off, on occasion I have been known to let myself in to your CMS areas and just sort of noze around. But I do turn the lights off when I leave. No harm done.

Dennis Jones

…Don …I believe I am going to have to nominate you for some sort of Brother Jones Web Award because the whole idea of sneaking into someone else’s web space and t.p.-ing their PICTURE of a tree is genius…

Don Jones

I accept that nomination and would like to thank all the little people I have crushed on my way to the top. I’d like to thank my wife who has stood by me through thick and …. thicker, as well as my lovely children who I really appreciate and value during tax season.

JEFF

A shocking insight into what makes the corporate world turn.. I will use this to make my own work life much gooder..

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My Weekend Painting Projects

April 9, 2007

1portrait1

…a weekend portrait…

StairThing

…and a marvel in Brother Jones engineering…

Over the weekend I had some time to piddle around on my Wacom Tablet and did this little portrait. Things are still pretty out of control for me when I try to paint things digitally. Who knows what it will look like when it’s done?

That’s pretty much how my house painting skills go, too… out of control and who knows what it will look like when it’s done? I painted the walls on our stairway this weekend. In an amazing feat of Brother Jones engineering, I constructed a platform in order to use a ladder on the stairs.

My wife walked by as I was painting, looked at me wobbling around on the ladder which was being supported by the rickety contraption I had made and said, “Don’t fall…” (which made me feel good) ”…because I have a cake in the oven.” (which made me feel a little less good)… until I remembered that I was going to get to eat the cake later. This made me feel good all over again.

The Comments

Don Jones

That’s genuine paintin’ ingenuity there Den… It’s the Brother Jones Elevatin’ Ladder Paintin’ Platform featuring the patented 2-legged scrap wood stablizer.

Doug Jones

I think that guy above is a bit concerned for your safety…

Roballoo

I’M a bit concerned for your safety!

JEFF

That might give the Little Giant Ladder system a run for its money.. You might try a catchy name like “Spinal Fusion Scaffold”

Dennis Jones

…maybe I could work out some sort of sponsorship with the medical community… this devise would surely keep business headed their way…

Don Jones

Doug could use this contraption to climb up that tree and take care of that T.P. problemo.

Roballoo

This image is why we the readers kindly ask those at Bro. Jones headquarters to please keep their painting to more easel oriented type assignments. Thank you.

Dennis Jones

…we here at Brother Jones Headquarters would be happy to do that, robalLOO… if we only knew what that meant…

Dennis Jones

…after much thought and contemplation I believe I now understand robalLOO’s post… paint pictures, not walls… I couldn’t agree more… I will be passing that message on to my wife along with robalLOO’s phone number …the next time she tries to put me to work painting walls, robalLOO can explain to her why I really shouldn’t be doing that…

Doug Jones

freshly painted walls are SOOO over-rated

JEFF

That would be more of a safety risk than your “ladder”..A wife can inflict much more damage than falling down stairs.

McNair Wilson

Two questions: 1. How was the cake?

2. Did you sign the wall and will their be limited edition lithos of key sections of the wall available through the Jones Shop?

okay, three… 3. Did you say to your wife (when she said “I have a cake in the oven.”), “Don’t burn it.” ?

Dennis Jones

1) …excellent!

2) …no need to sign the walls… when people see the lumpy dried paint drips and the paint that is now all over the ceiling, they will know exactly who’s responsible for painting the walls.

3) …like all smart husbands, I kept my thoughts to myself…

An Inlaw… Or An Outlaw?

April 15, 2007

InOutlawSketch

…a quick thumbnail sketch…

InOutlawColor

…the finished illustration…

This is a magazine illustration I recently did. It was for a story about improving family relationships. The title was, “Are You An Inlaw, Or An Outlaw?”

I immediately thought of using cowboys for this job. I don’t know why I immediately thought of using cowboys for this job… the story did not reference cowboys in any way, shape or form… I just really like to draw cowboys and this seemed like a pretty good opportunity to do a couple. I scratched out my idea (first picture) and sent it in for approval. I got a green light to go with the concept and did the illustration (second picture).

I really like the rough little quick sketch I did… it makes me laugh. It really captured the spirit of what I was hoping to do.

The Comments

Doug Jones

I’m surprised they didn’t just go with the sketch.

Dan Lietha

When you turn out a final that is so very different that the submitted rough sketch, do you ever get objections? I find most people unable to visualize what the final will be as they cannot get past the image first submitted. I assume the client here has seen your art before so they would be able to know the end result would be far different and better that the rough, but what about others? Did I make that clear as mud? 🙂

Dennis Jones

…most roughs that I submit for approval look pretty close to what the finished artwork will be… this particular quick and rugged looking rough was sent only to see if I could draw cowboys for the job… their response was, “looks good, go to finish”, so for some reason I didn’t need to send a better sketch on this particular assignment…

Roballoo

I like the riangle bodies on the sketch but the final with the expressions on the horsies really cracked me up

Doug Jones

riangle bodies?

JEFF

I love the eyes on the dark horse.. Looks like me at 0430 when the alarm goes off. Reminds me of a 1982 video game Dragon Slayer..

Roballoo

Yes, riangle bodies! I’m®oballoo ain’t I? Other people see triangle bodies but not me.

Doug Jones

oh… I thot it had something to do with riangling up some grub…

Weberson Santiago

Very, very good!

Dennis Jones

…thanks …Batman is fun to do… I personally like to do him with really big ear things… if I wasn’t so busy right now I would paint one up… he’s one of the old standards I grew up on…

Welcome Back, Don

April 23, 2007

DonLost

…a photo from Don’s trip…

We are happy to see that brother Don made it back from Honduras safely, but sorry to hear about his camera being “lost” during the trip. Fortunately, I was able to salvage this one photo for him.

The Comments

Don Jones

Thanks for recreating one of my cherished memories of the trip… The entire cast of LOST came to the building site and watched in amazement as we juggled cinder blocks and slung mortar around. Sawyer sold me a couple of machetes and Hurley ate all our sandwiches.

Doug Jones

did the black smoke monster give you any trouble?

Don Jones

The black smoke was EVERYWHERE! It was not in monster form but in top-knotch cooking and trash burning form.

Dennis Jones

…sounds like the last Jonesapalooza barbecue…

Jeff

How is Soc’s Maleria treatment going?

Dennis Jones

…well… his lips have turned bright red… that can’t be a good sign…

Doug Jones

I still think this picture looks like “Honey Who Shrunk the Stars?”

Don Jones

I guess I wasted $72 on a tetnus shot. I didn’t get cut, stuck or scratched the entire trip. I used a 30 Sunblock… I applied it twice so according to my math skill set… that’s a level 60 of protection.

Dennis Jones

…did you slather the sunblock on with a palette knife?

Don Jones

No, I prefer a trowel.

Dennis Jones

…hmmm… I usually use a trowel to dry off with after a shower…

Mower Problems

April 26, 2007

MowerProblm

…what else can go wrong…

Mowing season began for me last Saturday. I got the big riding mower out, gassed it up, and took off. I had my headphones on and was really enjoying riding around in the yard… until the blades quit working on the mower. I jumped off the tractor, looked at the deck and quickly diagnosed exactly what the problem was… something was broken.

I had one of two options. I could call someone to come to my house and fix the mower. This option would cost $88.00 up front just for them to drive to my house and look at the mower plus whatever the cost of fixing the mower would be. The other option was to fix it myself. The second option wasn’t really an option, so I decided to bite the bullet and have someone come to my house and fix my stupid mower.

The guy came to my house, looked at my mower, and said, “I cant fix that.” I had broken a brace that was attached to the deck. He gave me one of two options. Option One, replace the entire deck for $1220.51 or, Option Two, replace just the deck shell and scavenge parts from the broken deck for $709.41. Then he said, “this is what I would do if I were you. Take the deck off, take it to a welding shop, have them beat that brace back into position, weld it and add more metal to it for better support. That will be a lot cheaper than this will be.”

I took the deck to a local welder. Two hours later I picked it up, brought it home, put it back on and mowed the rest of my yard. It worked perfectly. The cost of getting my mower fixed at the welding shop? Twenty dollars.

The Comments

Doug Jones

you win. My mower quit while mowing the front yard. Tried every trick I knew but it would not start again. Had to borrow a truck and take it to the shop. A new carburetor at $272 fixed it. ouch.

Don Jones

Reminds me of one of my earlier riders… A cheap Wal-Mart Murray mower to be exact. The blade housing was made of high quality aluminum foil. After bending the housing into the blades for the millionth time, I too took that bad boy in and had some STEEL welded to the front end. It not only mowed but it GRADED the yard as well. Goodbye mole holes! Hello fresh turned dirt.

Dennis Jones

…the best lawn mowing gear I ever got was a set of Bose noise reduction headphones…

JEFF

Best lawnmowing gear I ever got was a motivated wife..

Don Jones

Jeff… you’re a lucky man.

JEFF

No, just afraid,, she owns a chainsaw as well.

Doug Jones

so… with them headphones, can you listen to music while you mow and they block out the mower noise?

Dennis Jones

…yep… music, radio, no mower noise… put on your sunglasses and a hat and the riding mower turns into a little island paradise on a sea of green… I personally like to steer with one hand and sip a tropical drink with one of those little umbrellas in it with the other…

Captain, My Captain

April 30, 2007

CpnAmercaRuft

…manipulating shapes…

CpnAmerca

…homage to the Captain…

CpnAmercaBak

…wondering what happened to Tennille…

The other day I started thinking that there must be something more I could do with an old sock than just sew buttons on it, so I started experimenting with manipulating shapes. Several episodes of 24, Lost and Amazing Race later, presto… a tribute to the late Captain America.

The Comments

Don Jones

Fantastico! From the looks of the 3 sock manipulation images… this is a pretty large piece.

Dennis Jones

…two feet tall if he stands on his tippy toes…

Keegan Jones

Wow, that is AMAZING!

Nick Jones Everybody

A new personal best I would say…

JEFF

Superman could be crippled by Kryptonite,, Your Cpt. America can be brought to his knobby little knees by……a moth?? Spray the little guy with black flag so he can become a family keepsake.. Nice Work!!

N.H.

Kool! Is he wearing braces?

Pete Jones

reallllllll nice

Doug Jones

way cool! You know you have really done something special when family members actually post a comment about it. you are the sock master!

Doug Jones

did you find these socks at Wally World? Surely you don’t have red, white and blue socks laying around

Roballoo

This is great! I want to learn sockmonkey making now (I did before but even more sew now 🙂

Dennis Jones

…I hate to make myself sound any more pathetic than I already do, but in answer to the, “where do you get the socks” question… Salvation Army and the Goodwill Center…

Doug Jones

how pathetic can you get?…

Dennis Jones7

…sigh…

Don Jones

Den, you say this is a tribute to the good Captain.. does that mean he has “gone on to his reward?” I didn’t hear of his passing.

Dennis Jones

…well, I think we will need to call in our resident expert on this for an official answer to your question, Don… (the bat signal is now shining into the night sky calling out to our brother-in-law Craig for a ruling on this) …I think they killed him off in the comic book, but I’m not sure…

Doug Jones

did he eat some of that bad dog food from China?

Dennis Jones

…I think it was something like that… the Captain was complaining about having to sing that “Love Will Keep Us Together” song with Tennille again and I think she might have slipped a little of that tainted dog food into his Chex Mix…

…where’s Craig, anyway? …he’s usually pretty prompt to answer the bat signal… we are really needing some answers here…

Doug Jones

he’s resting his eyes….

Don Jones

I will attempt to contact him on the “Schutt phone”.

craig schutt

Sorry it took so long to answer the “Schutt phone.” My body is trying to recooperate from a two-week marathon coloring spree (had to finish the last three issues of “Welcome to Holsom” in record time).

Anyway, yes Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, is indeed dead. As dead as a super-hero can be—certainly more dead than Superman was back in ‘92. In other words, there’s a rotting corpse and they’ve shown it to us. Of course, there’s also this reality-altering contraption called the Cosmic Cube that could conceivably bring Mr. Rogers back…but I digress.

He was shot on the court house steps by his ex-girlfriend and Shield agent Sharon Carter, who was being mind controlled by Cap’s old arch-enemy, The Red Skull. Cap was under arrest for leading an insurrection against a US government plan to force all super-heroes to register as government-sanctioned agents.

In spite of the obvious convolution, Cap’s death was the best written demise in comics-ever. I mourn his passing, but also realize that much like last night’s chili dog-he will be back.

Dennis Jones

…you mean to tell me he started fighting Nazi’s in the 40’s, then fought crime for another 50 years and then gets shot by his girlfriend? …you would think he might have seen that one coming… I say fire up that Cosmic Cube and bring back Mr. Rogers Neighborhood… that was a cutting edge show…

craig schutt

Come to think of it…we never saw Mr. Roger’s corpse. Maybe he’s not really dead…

Doug Jones

I have a time machine I got from Napoleon Dynamite that I’ll let you use. You can go back in time and warn Cappy to duck…

Dennis Jones

…no thanks… I’m still not the same from the last time I borrowed it…

Don Jones

So, let’s see how this figures out… Sharon Carter is to Steve Rogers as Chloe Page is to Morris O’Brien. Jack Bauer is also under arrest by the US government so I wouldn’t put it past him to cap Morris. This all ties together… some how.

craig schutt

Where’s Chuck Norris when you need him?

Doug Jones

he is resting his eyes…

Doug Jones

it’s a BrotherJones trend that is sweeping the nation!

Dennis Jones

…I’m making Chuck Norris out of a sock next!

Don Jones

I’m off to Orlando for the Spidey movie debut. Not really.

craig schutt

Lord willing and the creek don’t rise (it’s rained for the past three days), Marsha and I are going to see Spider-Man 3 tomorrow afternoon. Woo-hoo!

Dennis Jones

…you guys might want to check with Chuck Norris before you go and make sure it’s alright with him… you wouldn’t want to get him mad at you for some reason…

Dennis Jones

..yep, that Chuck Norris is quite a guy… he was originally cast as the main character in the hit tv show 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds…

Roballoo

I used to say, “Only Bucky dies forever.” But I guewss they even brought him back. Sigh.

Jeff

Leave Chuck alone….He’s busy keeping Texas safe from really bad actors!

Nick Jones Everybody

Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep… He waits…

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

Keegan Jones

Yeah, I saw Spiderman 3 this weekend. Great movie. Kirsten Dunst has my phone. Why did nobody tell me it was a chick phone???

craig schutt

The only hurdle Spidey 3 couldn’t jump this weekend was high expectations for a movie that could have been better than Spidey 2. Could have been, but wasn’t/isn’t. I didn’t think this third film was nearly as good, story-wise, as the second. But so what? It was still wall-to-wall wallcrawling fun and well worth the price of admission! And I like your phone, Keegan…

Dennis Jones

…oh, by the way Keegan… you’ve got a girlie phone… just thought I’d tell ya…