Home DeProvement

February 21, 2005

Home-Improvement

American Chopper, Trading Spaces, This Old House most any kind of custom fabrication TV show fascinates me. I love to watch people create custom stuff from scratch or redo problem rooms in a house.

Inspired by these shows, this weekend my wife and I decided we would give our bathroom a makeover. We decided to do this midway through Saturday morning. There was plenty of time left in the day to simply paint the walls blue and leave the woodwork and trim white.

We spent the entire day getting the supplies we needed. Now our simple painting project was spilling over into Sunday afternoon. I taped everything up and started the first of many missteps with the paint. We finally quit for the night with the job undone.

Now it is Monday, and it seems that instead of going to the rink and playing hockey tonight, I will be on a ladder in my bathroom slopping paint. This is not exactly the way this thing was supposed to work out. Our little project is taking substantially more time than the big ones on TV do. They usually get massive jobs done in only one hour.

I can hardly wait to get this thing done and get back on the couch in front of the TV where I belong.

The Comments

Don Jones

This sounds all too familiar. It’s amazing that in your mind’s eye you can always imagine a flawless, smooth running job that might even appear enjoyable. I think this is due to those stinkin’ Do-It-Youself shows where you wear nice clothes and never get dirty.

Doug Jones

To complete a project like that in one day would be the EASY way… but not the JONES way! You have done us proud by upholding the Jones tradition of making everything harder and more complicated than it need be. I have mastered this art myself. I have a leaking pipe under the sink that I need to attend to… but I KNOW once I start messing with it, it would mean the end of all my free time for days…. the plastic bucket is doing well in the mean time…

Dennis Jones

My kitchen sink faucet head is attached to a retractable metal hose, which began to leak about a month ago… I contacted the manufacturer and they sent me a new hose… the lady on the phone assured me it would be easy to install…

I got busy on it and everything was going smoothly until I tried to yank the old hose up thru the faucet fixture… it got stuck… not knowing exactly what to do at that point, I decided to do the only sensible thing… I yanked on it really, really hard… now it was really, really stuck… We spent the entire Super Bowl weekend with no water in the kitchen because I had the sink all gummed up.

I finally had to call a contractor friend to come out and save me…

Doug Jones

YESssssss! you have acquired the “Jones” touch… congratulations. “If it doesn’t work… use a bigger hammer”

Dennis Jones

…wheres the fun in doing something right?

Don Jones

I always enjoy those put-it-together furniture deals… I have a whole drawer of extra parts and leftover pieces. The tool I find essential is a chisel. Last Sunday I jammed the ashtray in my car shut with my wife’s lotion bottle inside. At that point is was crammed so tight it would not budge. I proceeded to wedge the old chisel in and applied a little metal bending pressure (lotion squirting all over the floor mats…) and VOILA! A workable ashtray once again… more or less. And we don’t even smoke.

Dennis Jones

I appreciate the fact that some of those places stick in extra parts… but then you feel obliged to hang on to them when you get the contraption put together… they pile up… you forget about them… you find them years later but you don’t know what they are for… you want to throw them away but you dare not because they obviously are for something… it’s obviously some sort of industrial conspiracy… specifically aimed directly at the Brothers Jones…

Doug Jones

huh… I got a little bag of random parts too… If I throw it away, I will need something from it the very next day. It’s a no win situation.

Don Jones

The enviable LOSE-LOSE situation. Maybe we could move these parts on Ebay.

Dennis Jones

…these comments make a fine Neapolitan blend… I will go ahead and mix the strawberry back in…

Don Jones

Vanilla you’re up!

Doug Jones

The term French Vanilla is OUT… from now on it is Freedom Vanilla

Alex M.

Sorry if I sound like a total goof, but that entry was pretty amusing. I had to contain my laugh while working in my office. My dad works in the Painting Business and so he can do a bathroom in half a day no problem, me on the other hand didn’t receive the “gift” of craftsmanship. So, it would take me a week to do it. Heh.

Dennis Jones

It’s probably going to take me a week to paint this thing, too… I thought I was all done on Wednesday, but when I went in on Thursday I noticed blue paint all over the ceiling… How did that happen?… so Thursday night I was back in there trying to touch that up…

At this point I think what I need to do is put a whole bunch of stuff up on the wall (like at Applebees) and try to detract your attention away from the cruddy paint job…

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Gourd Season is ON!

May 29, 2005

GourdPatch

Yes, the Official Brother Jones Gourd Patch has finally been deposited into the ground and we are now hoping for yet another productive season.

This year we have planted bottleneck, birdhouse, longneck dipper, basket, miniature… and several other varieties that I cant seem to remember at the time of this posting.

Here is a little math problem for you. We planted 72 mounds this year. Each mound has at least three seeds in it. Each seed will produce a vine. A really bad vine might produce five gourds. A really good vine could produce ten or more. How many gourds might we expect to see by the end of the season?

This math problem is in memory of our Grandma Grantham who thought math was really, really fun. She bought little Donnie and me math workbooks to do (for fun) one summer when we spent a week with her and Grandpa at the farm. Little Donnie and I hid in the turkey house to escape having to do the really, really fun math workbooks.

The Comments

Kyle Jones

Eleventy Billion

Lil’ Donnie

I loved that turkey house. We smoked alot of grape vines in there.

Dennis Jones

Kyle, that is exactly right… your ability to figure out higher math equations like this one does indicate to me that you are now truly a high school graduate…

Dennis Jones

…and Lil’ Donnie… time for you to come in from the grape vine break and practice your math…

Doug Jones

is eleventy billion more than a dozen… or less… I forget. and just what are you going to do with eleventy billion gourds?

Dennis Jones

…what am I going to do with eleventy billion gourds? Hey, what CANT I do with eleventy billion gourds is the question.

For instance…

…since they float I could always tie them all together and build a raft so I could escape this crazy island with the mysterious invisible monster on it… I would just hope not to run into any pirates on the way home that want to kidnap the kid on the boat… you know… that sort of thing…

Doug Jones

…or you could turn them into an army and fight the clone wars and defeat the evil Empire.

Nick Jones Everybody

I think this should be like a reality show for you. People send in ideas for things you should make with gourds and then you produce them and show the process for the world to see. I got dibs on the mikey character.

Dennis Jones

…so, like… I walk out into the garage and start yelling at Pete about how he better hurry up and get that custom gourd done and he yells back at me about how it takes a lot of time to do a really cool gourd and then you walk into the garage and crack a joke and then we all have a good laugh and then we take the gourd to some big gourd show and sign autographs just like they do on American Chopper… something like that?

Nick Jones Everybody

now see that’s what I’m talking about. All we have to remember is that every time we talk to the camera it has to sound completely contrived and scripted. Who will be the high school kid that works harder than all of us and secretly thinks we are all morons? oh by the way I found out you weren’t Deep Throat after all. Bummer dude.

Don Jones

Nick, it’s ironic you mentioned Deep Throat. The Jones brothers also sport a moniker utilizing the key word Deep. Unbeknownst to you Dennis, (your Father) is rolling in the dough. In other words, wealthy. He is known as Deep Pockets. I, the former owner of the 1991 Dodge Caravan with 2 or 3 transmissions go by Deep Heap. Uncle Doug and his notorious attempts at plumbing and other assorted handyman jobs has earned him the down and dirty little title of Deep DoDo. There ya go hope this gives you some insight on your DNA.

Dennis Jones

…nicholas LUKE… I AM YOUR FATHER…

Nick Jones Everybody

nnnNNNNOOOOOOOOoooo!!!!

Doug Jones

join the DarkJoneses and rule the universe with us…

Don Jones

Which movie is this dialogue from? I get confused.

Dennis Jones

Jones Wars

Nick Jones Everybody

Aren’t you supposed to cut my hand off first or something? I’m just not feeling the drama here. By the way do I also have a hottie sister that you’ve never told me about?

Dennis Jones

nnnNNNNOOOOOOOOoooo!!!!

Don Jones

nnnNNNNOOOOOOOOoooo!!!! I just wanted to type that as well