Gourds On The March

August 11, 2005

GourdsOnTheMove

About the only instruction you need to plant a gourd garden is… put the seeds in the ground… get out of the way.

Gourds have tentacles that reach out, wrap around objects, and pull their vines along, so to speak.

Gourds from the Brother Jones Gourd Garden (Northern Division) are on the march at this very moment. Climbing up sunflowers… strangling defenseless flowers… even attacking the almighty riding lawn mower. Is nothing sacred? We have barricaded ourselves in the house for fear that we are next to fall to these marauding pillagers.

Wait… whats that creeping under the door…

oh, no… can it be… no…NO…

it’s a… IT’S A GOURD TENTACLE…

YEEEAAAAAAaaaAAAAA……..

The Comments

Keegan Jones

Haha! That is like a mini-jungle in the convenience of your back yard.

Don Jones

I say arm yourself with a machete… and hack as you mow.

Dennis Jones

Thunderstorms, Hail, Tornadoes… we had it all last Saturday… screens were ripped out of our screened in porch… lawn chairs were scattered everywhere… sunflowers blown over and lying on the ground… and tragedy of tragedies… gourd trellises and gourd plants all but ripped right out of the ground… fortunately for the Brother Jones Gourd Gardens (Northern Division) we planted half a gazillion plants this season just in case a scenario like this presented itself…

Doug Jones

… what about Toto and Auntie Em?

Don Jones

Nothing worse that a screenless screened-in porch. Half a bazillion gourd plants gone and only a half a gazillion left. I believe you need some sort of government grant to get you through.

Dennis Jones

…didn’t we vote at the last Brother Jones Bored Meeting to accept applications for Brother Jones Disaster Relief Grants?… where are the forms I need to fill out for one of those?

Doug Jones

I see another grand opportunity for the “Fleecing of America” here. I’ll have a GRANT… hold the pickle.

Don Jones

The farmers down here just got a Drought Relief Grant so they can dig more wells… The farmers are ticked cause it limits them to acquiring water when in reality they need to BUY HAY for food.

Doug Jones

Didn’t we submit a Krispy Kreme Grant at our last meeting? What ever became of that?

Doug Jones

Hay for food? Doesn’t sound too tasty to me… can they get some Ranch Dressing thrown in to kick it up a notch?… BAM!

Don Jones

We have even encountered some drought ramifications with our little well. On occastions, some air is appearing in our water. This indicates the pump is creating a tornado like funnel in the well and sucking down some air. We have instituted the emergency NO WATERING plan. Can tolerate DRY SOCKETS but not a DRY WELL.

Dennis Jones

wow… I have been downloading Real Player all afternoon with my lightning fast dial up modem connection so I can listen to sports radio on the internet and look at all the fascinating stuff I’ve missed out on… hmmm… ok, well then… I’m glad I was able to contribute to the farm report… and, uh… I think I will… go… download something else off the internet….

Garden Update 9/1/05

September 1, 2005

Gourds9-1-05

Because (ahem) SOME PEOPLE (doug n don) are complaining about my fascinating dog picture page being up too long, I am now posting an equally fascinating page with pictures from my gourd garden.

The top shot is a vine full of minis… the other a long necker…

Fascinating…

just…

fascinating…

The Comments

Doug Jones

GOOD GOLLY BUM!!! how tall is that thing?!

Doug Jones

I foresee a gourd animal here. You have a lot of material for legs… many legs….

Doug Jones

hey… you do a very nice presentation of photos. I like that matching green background with drop shadows…I need to take some lessons.

Dennis Jones

…that bottom gourd is about five feet tall… it would have been taller, but it hit the ground…

Don Jones

Don’t they use these in Indiana to test your parallel parking?

Don Jones

I have to agree with Douger here… your presentation is top knotch.

Don Jones

And also, thanks for getting those pyscho dog images off there… I won’t be tensing up as much now… but then again, that 5-foot gourd is quite intimidating.

Dennis Jones

I like the nice pattern we are making today with the three color-one color-three color-one color comment blocks…

Weird Gourd Wednesday

October 6, 2005

WeirdGourdWed

Hey everybody, its WEIRD GOURD WEDNESDAY! The custom gourds are back and weirder than ever!

…(and yes, I know its actually Thursday, but Weird Gourd Thursday doesn’t have the same pizzazz to it that Weird Gourd Wednesday has… and anyway, its just the internet… I can say anything I want… it doesn’t have to be true).

…with that in mind… I am also proud to announce…

…that I will be the starting running back for the Indianapolis Colts this weekend as they take on the mighty San Francisco 49ers!

The Comments

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Could this be used as a rain collector? Then all you would need to add is a dipper gourd. Or perhaps this was created with a spittoon in mind, in that case a dipper would be gross.

Doug Jones

does this gourd wear dog tags?

Dennis Jones

yes, Doug… yes it does… that is my dogs old rabies tag hanging off the stem…

Don Jones

Moo had rabies?

Mutant Gourds

October 25, 2005

MutantGourds

Every year we end up with mutant gourds. The top picture shows two strawberry gourds from last season. The first one is a normal five inch gourd and the second is a fifteen inch abnormality.

The other picture shows this seasons mutant. It is a basket gourd. They are supposed to be big, but this one is a monster. I put a baseball on top to give it some scale. I am guessing it probably weighs a couple of hundred pounds. I am guessing that because it is still green, mainly all water, and is so heavy that I cannot lift it off the ground.

Some people put bird baths in their yards to decorate with… but since this thing is too heavy to move, I guess it is going to have to be our new lawn ornament.

The Comments

Don Jones

woah… don’t hit that with your mower. I think this has the makings of a great Christmas present… I am preparing the slips of paper for the Christmas name exchange… Do you guys want any particular name? I’m presently taking special requests.

Dennis Jones

I would like to get Dennis’s name this year… and I want to get him something REALLY nice, Clark…

Don Jones

You got it… I suggest hitting the LIGER shoppe. They run specials every Friday: LIGER FRIDAY.

Doug Jones

If you cut the top off that big gourd and put a handle on it… it would make a coffee mug almost big enough for you in the mornings.

Dennis Jones

…and wouldn’t the coffee be just spectacular with that little hint of gourd taste in it… mmmm….

Doug Jones

Hazelnut flavor with gourd roughage… for that get up and go feeling in the morning! Hey, looks like the COLTS and the PREDATORS are both undefeated this year. Maybe they should play each other. I can see Peyton completing a slapshot into the end zone and getting an icing the football penalty.

Don Jones

They don’t hold a candle to your undefeated SCREAMIN’ SOCMONKEYS Doug. Wonder when Dennis is going to come calling on that Phlegm-Weasel side wager?

Doug Jones

The screamers took a hit this weekend… alas

Dennis Jones

Hey, Don… your crummy players cant even beat my loser, bottom feeding team of weasels… why would I want any of them? You can keep ‘em… I mean… I already have a team full of great players like Ricky Williams who has a combined 2 week rushing total of minus 3 yards… why would I want any of your losers like Priest Holmes and Shawn Alexander… I’m starting Ruben Droughns this weekend at running back and teaching those Boston Banshhees a lesson…

Betsy

The Brother Jones are working on drawing names for Christmas? The Sister Jones will be so excited!

Dennis Jones

…were working on WHAT?… I must not have received the inner office memo this morning…

Dennis Jones

Here are my suggestions for Christmas 2005 in Mtn Grove…

After everyone arrives we start immediately with the annual “Airing Of Grievances”… during this time we share with family and friends all the ways they have disappointed us over the past year…

We follow the “Airing Of Grievances” with the popular “Feats Of Strength” where the head of each household tests his/her strength with another family member.

Then we can open our gifts which have been carefully placed under the holiday aluminum pole…

(I am aware this may need some tweaking, but we have to start somewhere)…

Don Jones

Dennis, I like your thinking here. Get the negativity out of the way so we can proceed to the true meaning of the holidays… eating. Will you be bringing anything good to eat this year? I’m sure the sugar cookies will be in abundance along with a wide assortment of fudge and pie. I’m digging out my James Taylor Christmas today…

Betsy

Yes! A Festivus for the rest of us!!!

Don Jones

B.Y.O.A Bring Your Own Anesthetist

Betsy

I’ll see if I can round one up somewhere. We’ll definitely need one for all the back pain people will have after the feats of strength!

Dennis Jones

Betsy… a donation has been made in your name to the Human Fund.

Don Jones

Betsy I paid $89.95 and had a star named and registered for you. The Ellett. It’s in the fourth galaxy just a little left of the North Star. On a clear night you still can’t see it. Enjoy.

Dennis Jones

…hey, thats not a bad gift idea, Don… maybe I’ll get a couple of those for my boys this Christmas…

Betsy

Woohoo! Money for People and a star I can’t see. I’m just raking it in today!

Don Jones

I can already see these in the western sky The Nickstar and Pete’s Precious Guiding Light.

Doug Jones

I’m bringing a great big bag of Cheetos with me and I will be trading it for some hits of Nitrous Oxide.

Don Jones

Great idear there Doug. Cheetos will get you a big hit of something… plus some orange fingers. Maybe we can all get knocked-out and do a Brother Jones podcast. I doubt if our audience could tell any difference.

Doug Jones

podcast…. PODCAST! That’s what Dennis should do with that mega-gourd. Have a gourdcast. See how far you can lob it on live podcasting internet radio! Grab that laptop and hit the road to Huntington, Don. …. and listen to the Monkeys on the way…

Don Jones

Don’t tempt me. If I didn’t have my monthly haircut scheduled… I’d be gone. Plus, I have to pick Lola up from the Vet today.

Betsy

I’m thinking that donations to the Human Fund and the naming of stars would be great prizes for the annual Dube Bridge game.

Harvest Time 2005

November 11, 2005

KarenInGourdPatch

Karen and our dog, Moo, are currently in the Official Brother Jones Gourd Patch furiously harvesting the crop. A rough early count indicates approximately 350 gourds this season. The gourd patch has also yielded approximately 25 golf balls… Pete…

The Comments

Doug Jones

Really SLOW week here at brotherjonesdotcom. I was beginning to think you went back to Cincy to harass those pigs again. So, has Moo learned how to fold a shirt in two moves?

Dennis Jones

I have just been swamped with work this week… not much time to play at the Brother Jones… the big news is… tomorrow Karen and I are going to a big gourd festival in Goshen… I will take a camera and report back in on this excursion next week…

Don Jones

I remember MOO… the gazillion dollar dog… lookin’ good. (Dennis’ advice to us on dog ownership, ”(All ya gotta do is feed ‘em.)

Custom Built Dryer

November 29, 2005

GourdDryer

At this time I would like to introduce to the world the never before seen… custom designed, built, and conceived by me… Brother Jones High Tech Gourd Drying Device… or as it is officially referred to here in the research and development department, the HTGDD 5000… 2.0…

According to my scientific calculations, gourds suspended above ground will dry faster as more of their surface area is exposed to air. While the HTGDD 5000 2.0 is stressed to the max with a load of several hundred pounds initially, each day of drying produces a load that lightens several pounds per day.

I plan to be the George Washington Carver of hard shell gourds and this is my first step in that direction. There will surely be some sort of Pulitzer Prize waiting for me in the very near future.

(No animals were injured in the building of the HTGDD 5000 2.0)

(Any resemblance between the HTGDD 5000 2.0 and persons living or dead is purely coincidental)

Check out the new portfolio of gourds I posted today.

The Comments

Doug Jones

the HTGDD5000 2.0 is a vast improvement over the HTGDD4000 1.3… good work. I’d say you’d better be careful though.. you could poke your eye out with some of those. that gourd portfolio is also grand! good idea! On a side note… I bet the Colts are quaking in their boots at the thought of facing the Titans this weekend.

Dennis Jones

…thank you, thank you… well, we must not sit on our hands as hi-technology passes us by… I am already working on the all new HTGDD 6000 2.5 which features half inch pvc pipe instead of the three quarters inch I used on the 5000 model… also new on the 6000… rich corinthian leather…

Dennis Jones

…oh, and concerning the Indianapolis Colts… may I refer everyone back to a journal article I posted on August 16… I believe it will speak for itself…

Don Jones

Ingenius. Brilliant. A handsome addition to any backporch. I would think for the hyper drying mode you simply flip on the ceiling fans.

Dennis Jones

…the HTGDD 5000 2.0 also makes a dandy gift for the hard to shop for person on your Christmas list…

Don Jones

I will pass that along to whoever has drawn your name. (Delivery on the 17th I do believe.) Never can have too many HTGDD 5000 2.0s sitting around. Much like riding lawn mowers.

Dennis Jones

…so …how many broken down riders do you have littering your yard at the present time?… two?… three?…

Don Jones

My Cub Cadet is now safely wintering in the garage… the old Sears Crapman! is having a blade spindle replaced elsewhere.

Charles

Cool gourds!

Doug Jones

Dennis… >Tennessee has a great gourd growing season >We have four distinct seasons with a great spring and fall >We have ice hockey rinks and a pro hockey team >We never have to shovel snow >We have an NFL team that desperately needs your help. I will be looking for a house for you so you can move out of that frozen tundra and move to the promised land and work your magic on the Titans.

Don Jones

Dennis >Missouri has a wonderful mixture of the four seasons. >We have TWO pro football teams and ONE pro hockey team. >We lead the nation in meth lab busts. >Our NFL football team needs your kind of MoJo in order to achieve another Super Bowl ring. >I will be looking for a double-wide for you and the little missus so you can move to the beauty and serenity of the Ozark hills.

Roy

Dennis, your mother and I used to drink from gourds back on the farm before we had running water.

Dennis Jones

…I recently took a disaster relief training class and I believe I will now add dipper gourds to the list of MUST have items in my house… also on that list… candy bars, Folgers coffee singles… 5 comic books…

Doug Jones

don’t forget the Fritos

Don Jones

I heard you can start fires with Fritos… apparently they are quite flammable.

Roy

Another use for gourds. My grandmother used a small gourd which she inserted into a sock while she mended it. Suppose it may have been used on Socomo?

Don Jones

That’s it for me… I ain’t coming back here but once a week…